Someone vanilla has discovered your most secret kink. How do you expect they’ll react? How do you try to justify your needs to them? Do you even bother? And, while we’re at it, what’s the kink?
Yeah, okay, watersports and that’s as much as you need to know.
As to the rest of your question…
Most guys, at least, the gay guys I know who have some experience with BDSM, I expect them to be okay with it. It’s humiliation play (that’s the category I label it in at least…some people don’t consider it that) and it’s used a lot in the community. I get some guy who’s never done more that blow jobs in the back room…eh, it’s hard to say. With the advent of the net, Google, X-Tube/PornTube (both free) and gazillions of pay-for-porn sites, it’s amazing what guys you thought were pretty vanilla have been exposed to. I assume it’s that way for women, but I don’t have a whole lot of experience there.
Now my great-aunt Mary? She’d probably stroke out. I mean, it’s hard enough for me to even imagine her ever having had sex, much less her dealing with me having sex the way I like too.
Honestly, for people who are okay with kink, you won’t have to justify things. If people are not into kink…all the explanation in the world won’t do you any fucking good. They just think you’re sick. And will tell you that over and over again. Of course they’re the ones likely ordering all the gay, X-tream S&M porn on hotel Pay-Per-View during religious conventions.
As Shakespeare once wrote, “methinks the dude doth protest too much.”
Those who are truly coming from a place where they’re exploring their own boundaries and kinks—they’re usually willing to listen. And you just come at it from the perspective of consent. That’s one of the coolest things about BDSM…it’s all about consent. I won’t do anything that doesn’t make my partner feel good. My partner understands I won’t do anything that would hurt him. Of course, the definition of what is pleasure and what is pain can be a little dicey.
If you’re a full blown lifestyle, service-submissive masochist, it’s hard for people outside the culture to grasp that level of involvement. Still, you can have a decent discussion about pain play and bondage and service by talking about role-playing all those crappy Valentine games. Spanking games, which vanilla people do, are a form of pain play. If you’ve ever tied your partner’s hands to the bed with neckties or bandanas, well that’s bondage, right? Light bondage, but it’s a form of restraint. And everyone has seen the “Red Hot Love Coupons” the stores sell. If the partner you gave a set to hands one over that says “Cook me dinner in the nude,” and you do it, that service submission.
All of those are limited in scope. The game might not lead to more, but you can usually work into…well, what if it really turned you on? You’d want to do it again right? Pretty much everyone gets that concept. And that’s a good dialog.
Stay safe and sane
You like being a switch. Did some of your early sexual experiences have that dynamic? You don’t seem to be particularly interested in causing Brandon physical pain. Would you rather just stick with bondage with Brandon?
As one blog proclaims, the Switch is the “spork of the bondage community.” Really freaking useful and nobody really believes we’re around ‘cause true switches are hard to find. But we are in the scene. It’s a viable choice.
I tend, in general, to be a dominant personality. I get off on controlling guys and situations… type-A much? However, when I meet someone who is more dominant than I am, I’ll let them take the lead. Plus, there are times when I just want to let go. I don’t want to be in control. Always being in control is not, at least to me, good for my mental health. See the type-A personality.
Although I’d probably align myself with the “new leather” generation, I get the point of the “old guard” philosophy that you can’t TOP unless you’ve bottomed. It does give you perspective on your partner’s pleasure. Not everyone can learn that way. There are natural tops who would never cum (or even get hard) in sub play. There are guys who are so submissive that if you put a whip in their hand they would ask for permission to hit you.
Neither of them will ever understand me.
The propensity to Switch comes in real handy when you’re into a scene with more than two people. If you’re a DOM and you’ve got 2 subs to deal with it can be really mentally and physically exhausting. If one of the players is a Switch then the scene becomes much easier. I used to get a lot of action that way. Guys knew I could come into a scene and they could order me to do things and assist in their play. So, yeah, I like the Switch dynamic.
Formative period? I discovered early on that I liked tying things up. It was like a puzzle. As a kid I also realized that if I let people tie me up, I could wow them with my ability to work myself free. I fully accept that I am a bit of a drama queen. I like attention. My mom kept buying me magic kits to channel this activity into the more mainstream. All the card tricks and spongy balls never did it. Houdini was my idol. I had posters of all the great escape artists all over my room. My dad let me go with him in his Big Rig on one of his runs to Los Angeles and took me to the Magic Castle on the one day they open it up to kids. I was like, “The hell with the bunnies, who’s going to wear a straight-jacket and hang upside down in a tank of sharks?”
And then, a few years later, I was practicing a tie-up-get-loose illusion with the kid down the street…fuck, we’re both like first year Jr. High and I got massively turned on. I mean, I’d had woodies before playing doctor with the other boys (I never did play that with the girls – some of us just know early), but this was the first time an external object did it. Since, in those years, I was the one getting tied up, I learned to like being restrained. And then about High School, we’d party and some of the jocks would want me to tie up their girlfriends for a gag. I never did it on anyone who didn’t say, “okay,” but I found out that I liked tying people up. And those were the first hard-ons I ever had around girls.
Now, I was a teen, and I was a jerk…’cause anyone under 20 is just a jerk sometimes. I’d make these girls beg. “Please untie me, Nick.” And I’d be imagining it was their jock boyfriends. Probably that’s the reason I survived High School without getting beat up too much. I must have been straight because I made girls beg no matter how fruity I acted otherwise. I had a boyfriend, but he lived across town so nobody in either of our schools would see us together. We did a lot of phone and chat-room sex. I got off telling him what to do…like stick a vibrator up his ass. Let’s not even consider whose vibrator it probably was and the hygienic issue. The whole, “Nick, should I fuck myself harder,” and “yes, bitch,’ exchange was super hot. I liked ordering him around.
As far as pain play…I have a very low pain tolerance. Smacking my ass, that’s kinda hot. Put a set of nipple clamps on me, just the thought hurts and not in a get-me-hard way. Twist my nuts and I’ll punch you in the face. Since I don’t like receiving pain, it is a little bit of a barrier to me giving it as well. I worry that I might go too hard. The more I’m with someone the less it’s an issue as I can really begin to read his signals. All the subtle things that clue you in before he even have to say the safe word.
But, BDSM is all about the submissive partner. It really is. I am honored when za guy puts the control in my hands. So even if it’s not something I completely enjoy for my own benefit, the fact that my partner gets turned on, turns me on. I couldn’t ever walk cold into a hard core S&M scene, but with Brandon, as we get to know each other and trust each other I’m more able to do pain play for him. Seeing him turned on by it turns me on. That I am able to give him that is the most incredible feeling I’ve ever experienced. I am absolutely humbled by his trust and that pushes me to give him more.
The bondage gets me off. In a simple scene that’s enough. But knowing that I can give him that much more if I put a little pain into the mix…it rocks. I do it because he loves it. And, as a DOM in our partnership, I will give him anything he desires.
I know it doesn’t make logical sense but that is the duality of BDSM.
Stay safe and sane,
Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex.
And, as allways, if you have questions write me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com.