Nicky Says » James Buchanan

Nicky Says: What's Love Got to Do With It?

Feb 142011

From time to time, as I’m surfing the web, I’ll find someone asking advice about Kink/BDSM in their relationship. Usually somewhere in there they get to their partners feelings or things they’ve been told surface and it runs along the common vein of no one in their right mind would humiliate/abuse/abase/hurt/crush the one they love. Stepping out of the whole discussion of what BDSM really is, there seems to be a conception in the world of vanilla sheeples that no one who loved someone could ever do that so, therefore, a relationship with BDSM elements cannot possibly be a loving one.

Which is, frankly, a load of crap.

So, just for fun, because it’s the dreaded V-Day, l asked a few folks to give me their take on the cross-road of Love and BDSM.

Well BDSM is not so much about Love to me. In my opinion it’s simply a glass that you choose to pour experiences into.

John Noble taught me what a “real” romantic relationship was for the first time. He taught me what Love means and in the end he taught me what it can cost you. Learning BDSM the way I did from John Noble with a defined set or rules and values taught me responsibility and honor and service. He taught me pain can be pleasure but he also taught me pain can be loss and those things I will never forget. John Rocco and the Centaur MC taught me what Leather Community really was, not just that hyper masculine surface image you think about guys in Leather partying together in a Gay Motorcycle Club and those big events they put on but their core values. What is at the heart of those bigger than life men behind the scenes when the party is over. John Rocco and the Centaur MC taught me what “real” brotherhood and acceptance is about.

So that is what BDSM & Love means to me, your mileage may very. ~Dick D.

“What’s love got to do with BDSM? In my opinion – everything! A good beating at the hand of a skilled Top is always fun, but when administered with love, it takes on a much deeper and more profound dimension. A loving Dominant who knows how to lay on the whip with just the right touch of cathartic cruelty (in the sense of “cruel to be kind”) can bring about an incredible release for both Top and bottom. I honestly don’t think it’s possible to have a BDSM relationship without love – or at the very least, affection and respect.” ~Cat Grant

Well I’ll put it this way. I am a Dom. I wouldn’t have a long term relationship with a sub I didn’t love/have feelings for. ~Vincent Alexander

Nicky Says: DIY BDSM

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Dec 272010

After a brief hiatus we’re back!

As I once told Brandon, guys have been into BDSM far longer than the Stockroom has been selling gear. And although I love the toys and bondage gear they carry, sometimes I want something more personal, more tailored to my tastes, something I don’t have to pay twice as much to ship as it did to purchase.

Good news is you don’t have to be a genetically engineered cross between Bob Villa, Martha Stewart and the Marquis de Sade to create some pretty intense gear.

Now, the first, and easiest, Do it Yourself is ROPE. Although I have some specialty ropes, my go-to standard for play is what you can buy at the hardware store. Nothing too fancy, it comes in loads of colors and you can get about 50′ for $25.00. This is one of those things that you should go into the store and buy. You want to feel it, make sure it’s flexible and soft — you don’t want that stiff rope you’d use to tie down a tarp. Something with a good weave and a good core.

slave belt STRAPS, BELTS and RESTRAINTS. First and foremost, bandannas. The quickest, easiest little gag you already probably have on hand. You do have to remember that cloth will dry out a subs mouth faster than say a rubber ball gag, but for DIY, hey it works in a pinch. They also can be useful for tying a subs hands to a thin bed-rail. Scarves and neckties work a little better for that because you have more length.

The little fun “slave belt” at the left was found by a friend of mine at a dollar store. It’s leather with four steel O rings and and adjustable snap closure. Is it perfect? No, but it serves it purpose for the price. If you keep your eyes and mind open, you’ll find stuff like this around in the oddest places. And a regular leather belt makes a hell of a strop for laying across someone’s butt.

As far as restraints go, every time I have a piece of carry-on luggage or a laptop bag that bites the big one…I save the strap. Just cut the shoulder protector pad off. You’re left with a nice, adjustable (out to close to three feet) nylon web strap with quick release clips on each end.

wooden spoons

For IMPACT TOYS, it’s amazing what you already have in your kitchen. A good quality wooden spoon stings pretty darn good across skin. I have a wooden stirrer I like that because it’s flat with a hole in the middle — adds another layer of sensation.

If you’re half ass handy with a jig/scroll-saw and a piece of sandpaper paddles , you can make some pretty nice collection of paddles. A submissive friend of mine makes these babies out of scrap hardwood — oak, walnut and the like (he finds suitable pieces in the “cut-ends” bin at the local lumber yard and they sell it cheap). He recommends sanding it very well as splinters are a bitch and adding a coat of polyurethane to seal the wood. And like I’ve already mentioned a wide leather belt works as good as most floggers.

Almost anything can be BONDAGE FURNITURE. Even a Hollywood bed frame has a few attachment points. Standard wrought iron and tubular aluminum bed frames are great and have the added bonus of not being obvious. You can screw eyebolts an inch or so below mattress level on wooden headboards. I’ve seen restraint cables that slide between a mattress and box-spring in an X pattern. You could buy that — or with extra luggage straps create one yourself.

bondage coffee table You can buy a reasonably nice leather coffee table from most discount stores for around $130-160 and use it as a bondage bench. Some have a bonus of storage space for your toys. Buy that at a specialty store it’ll bite close to $500 out of your wallet. With the coffee table variety, it’ll pretty much fade into the background of a living room or bedroom (put it at the end of the bed and watch it go unnoticed). Just make sure when you get it that you test out the construction. Nothing’s worse than having a table collapse when a sub’s tied up to it. Highbacke Posture Chair d wooden kitchen chairs are great for tying guys up to. A Prie Dieu or Kneeler might run a few hundred dollars, while a leather and chrome kneeling “posture” chair will cost around $75 and slip right under the desk for storage and camouflage. A few Mistresses I know of use those little boudoir chairs (from the 50′s & 60′s) for the same purpose.

Or, if you’re a little handy with an electric drill/screwdriver you can make your own specialty items: like this circular rolling BDSM table I found up for sale/trade on Craigslist. You don’t even have to be able to cut wood, some of the big hardware chains sell circular cut plywood for table tops. Eye-bolts have been set around the edge, giving you a good section of tie-down points. The builder screwed on a handful of locking casters for support. That way it can be rolled into position or to be locked in place. The weight of the sub on the platform should keep it grounded (since it weighs close to 50lbs on it’s own). There’s also a good solid handle on the bottom so you can lift it up and move it. This one is just painted matte black, but if you knew something about upholstery (and hey, I’ve had to recover the seats on my hearse…it’s not terribly hard) you could have it covered with leather or coat it with rubberized paint.

bondage table bondage table bottom

A little ingenuity and a few trips to the hardware store you can create your own dungeon in no time.

If you have any questions you’d like answered, email me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com

Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex. http://actoronto.org/home.nsf/pages/bdsm/$file/BDSM%20Safer%20Kinky%20Sex.pdf

Nicky Says: IDAHO Baby

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May 172010

We interrupt our regularly scheduled musings on various facets of Kink to talk about IDAHO.

No, not the state.

The International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. 20 years ago, today, Homosexuality was declared to be NOT a mental disorder. By WHO, you ask? By WHO is exactly right, the World Health Organization.

This year is the Kiss-In Year for IDAHO. Kiss-Ins are scheduled for cities around the globe. The aim is to bring awareness of the issues of Homo/Transphobia which still exist. Read about it here: IDAHO.

We still live in a world where “Gay” is an insult, where sexuality that isn’t M/F vanilla is decried as perversion, where if your mind’s gender doesn’t equal your equipment you can be killed. We’ve come along way, but we have a ways to go babes.

So, in honor of IDAHO, I’m participating with this kiss:

Stay Safe and Sane

~Nicky

Nicky Says: What works best for Scenes

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Apr 192010

Dear Nicky,

Is it more fun to meticulously plan a ‘fantasy scene’ or just let the moment define the kinky good times?

Byron

Dear Byron,

Depends on what you’re seeking out of a scene, what your mood is, whether you and your partner have been together for a while…lots of factors go into what works.

Planned out scenes can be a real thrill. You go into it knowing what’s going on, what you want, and what you’re going to get. Especially since you’re fulfilling your fantasies it can be a real turn on.

There is also something great about anticipation.

You get to think about it for days. Imagine what’s going to happen. Plan your partner’s reactions…running through different ways to talk to them, to bind them, to hit them. What kind of lighting, leather or bindings are you going to use. You bring them all out, play with the ropes as you decide. Toys or no toys. Cockring…which one? Metal? Leather? Leather over a metal core with lions heads? (I’ve seen that one an it’s fucking hot.)

The downside, of course, is if you’ve planned it down to the sheets on your bed, then if things don’t go right it can blow the scene.

Think about it. You’ve planned the perfect fisting scenario. You got Crisco (and for fisting the tried and true basics work best). You’re feeling all powered up. Your bottom has gone through not only a round of Fleet Naturals (great Gay centered campaign btw), but also fasted and cleared out the day before with a good shot of laxatives. You’ve got your rubber sheets…

and there’s a big old rip down the middle.

If you’ve been putting every spare moment into thinking, breathing and imagining that scene – Well, you just hit a massive load of “top drop” and you haven’t even started yet.

Rarely does anything go as planned.

So I would guess it would depend on how well you roll with the punches. If you’re of the “fuck it, the kitchen floor is linoleum” or “hey the cotton sheets on the bed are crap anyway,” a little set back probably won’t completely derail you. But, still, it does take away from the shine a bit.

While I do like the build up of a planned scene, I’d have to say my favorite is the impromptu kink.

You’re getting undressed from a day at the salt mines. Your partner is bending over unlacing his boots. As you pull your belt out of the loops you snap it across his upturned ass. He yells and turns with that look in his eyes. All of a sudden, the charge hits.

Before you know it, you’ve got his hands bound behind his back with your fucking wage-slave tie, his socks are stuffed in his mouth, you booted foot pushes his head to the floor and your wailing on those upturned bare buns with your belt.

It’s violent.

It’s sexy.

It’s hotter than fucking hell.

It’s everything you could have never planned.

Well, Byron, I think you know where my preference lies.

Stay safe and sane,

Nicky

If you have any questions you’d like answered, email me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com

Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex. http://actoronto.org/home.nsf/pages/bdsm/$file/BDSM%20Safer%20Kinky%20Sex.pdf

Nicky Says: What Do All These Titles Mean?

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Feb 222010

sorry about the screw up and not posting last month…

Dear Nicky,

I’m in a kinky relationship. We’re not part of the bigger community, we just sort of switch in private. We were talking to a friend and caught some flack for using the terms "master" and "slave" when we aren’t locked into lifestyle roles or contracts. The person then said "Sir" and "boy" would be more appropriate. But that feels silly since we’re close to the same age.

Is there a set convention or rule? Sir, boy, top, bottom, dom, sub, master, slave… what’s the difference?

Puzzled Switch

Dear Puzzled Switch,

What you choose to call yourselves in your bedroom is between you and your partner. That’s private space. If your guy has to ask you if he can take a piss – yeah you’re playing Master/slave games. If it’s just S&M then it’s a little different. Still it’s between you and your guy at that point.

When you take that relationship out into the world, the public space, then terms have generally understood meanings. And so to answer your question: yes there are conventions to what those words mean and how they’re used.

Definitions can vary depending on who’s doing the defining. These are the general “conventions” as I understand them from my personal experience, interactions with people in the scene and shit I read. Also remember, as a person I greatly respect once told me, “if there’s anyone who’s anti-rules…it’s leather folk.” I’d expand that to kink folk in general. The “conventions” serve more of a function of determining who’s a complete noob and who’s been around awhile.

Top and bottom, at the most basic, is who gets fucked and who does the fucking. You could be a complete top and have completely vanilla sex your whole life. It can also indicate who’s in charge of the sexual dynamic, a top can ‘top from the bottom.’ A Dom is someone who is dominant while the sub is the submissive partner in a kink relationship. Daddies, Sirs and Masters are all dominant in the relationship. Boys and slaves are submissive. A slave, however, may "top" (fuck) his Master if that’s what Master wants because Master is still in control of the situation. A submissive may or may not be a masochist. A Dom may or may not be a sadist. Switches, I think, have the best of both Dom and sub world since you’re comfortable in either roll. And with switching, you don’t generally switch Dom/submissive roles within the same relationship. I was submissive with Jake, but I’m dominant in my relationship with Brandon.

The difference between Master/slave, Sir/Boy and Daddy/boy has nothing to do with age. “Boys” can be the same age or older than their Sirs. It’s about time in the scene and natural proclivity not time on the planet. Sirs are stricter and expect a higher level of obedience than a Daddy might.

The basic difference is often defined by: slaves ask for permission while boys ask for forgiveness.

It’s a question of relative freedom. A full-time slave is expected to give their wages to their Master to use at his discretion. (I will interject my own opinion – echoed by other commentators in the scene – that it might be wise for a slave to have access to their own bank account and be allowed to put some money into it. This allows for an escape hatch in case the relationship goes downhill or if something happens to the Master – like death – then the slave is not destitute.)

And going back to your private life, a submissive can agree to be a Master’s slave for a night, weekend or years. It’s not about lifestyle roles or long term contracts. It’s about proclivity and how the submissive interacts with the Dominant.

Part-time slaves (as I define it for explanation: those who don’t live with their long term Master. Nobody would ever say they were a “part-time slave.”) are expected to be in regular contact with Master and consult them before major decisions. If I know someone is a slave, I would never speak directly to them. A slave in a contract might approach me…if they asked their own master permission first…maybe. But, this is a person who has willingly given up control to someone else. And they revel in it. There’s a great example of the Master/slave dynamic in the Secretary, the chick calls her boss/Dom before dinner with her family and he instructs her that she can eat no potatoes, only so many peas and all the desert she wants. And the chick digs it.

Boys, on the other hand, contribute to the general upkeep of the house if they live with Sir/Daddy, but generally have their own bank accounts and pay their own way through life. A slave would never go out socially without Master unless granted explicit permission. Boys may well move in their own social circles within the scene, have friends outside Sir’s or Daddy’s friends and basically, within limitations, lead their own lives. The Master’s life is assumed to be the slave’s life.

Boy’s, slaves and general sumbissives, want to please their Dominant. A slave does this by doing exactly what the Master tells him. If Master orders, “I want you to cook catfish for dinner, while naked and with five clothespins clipped to your balls,” the slave does exactly that. A boy might take that request from Sir and add a few more clothespins for effect. If boy is with a Daddy then he might decide to forgo the clothespins and go for alligator clips or since steak was on sale and Daddy loves steak, make that instead (and may get punished for it if he chose wrong). The slave pleases by being obedient while a boy pleases by being creative and loving. Both may have service elements in the relationship and in that case the submissive may be referred to as a boy-slave.

Puppies, by the way, have Masters – not Sirs or Daddies. Still their Masters are not the same type of Masters in a slave relationship. And that is because their relationship is based on a Human/non-human relationship. Puppies are playful, accepting, loving creatures. They embody unconditional love and absolute joy. Their masters are stern, but somewhat accepting. I mean: you don’t beat the shit outta the puppy for peeing on the rug. A Master doesn’t punish his puppy in the same way that a Master punishes his slave. It’s assumed that one is sentient and the other not…even though they are both humans playing a role.

Now comes the fun part: it all is far more fluid than all that.

Someone who is really respected in a particular scene may want people to call him Master X. And, even though he pretty much acts like a Daddy to his boys, the people who respect him call him Master X although it’d more “correct” to address him as Sir. With Brandon and I, he’s submissive and I’m dominant in our sexual relationship, but not in our day to day life. So if we were out in a play space I’d probably introduce him as a sub and not use either slave or boy. That lets people know our dynamic without me putting strings of ownership on him. He’s free to play with anyone he wants to. But since Brandon isn’t collared (literally I haven’t given him one to wear), I could tell people he’s my boy (even though he’s two years older than me) and a lot of people would get that no collar means he’s free to hook up without my input. With my ex…he wanted to train me to be a slave and I was looking for a Dom not a Master. A slave wouldn’t have walked out on him for fucking someone else…that’s Master’s right. Normally, it wouldn’t piss me off that much either, but it was kinda the last straw in his long litany of his being a bastard. If I put ad on a BDSM site saying, "I’m looking for my Daddy," I will get different people responding than an ad which says, "i want to serve SIR."

Basically that’s why we use generally recognized terms in public spaces, to be understood. We all do it in our work worlds too – so you know who’s “in” and who’s “out.” I can tell a fellow tech geek in three minutes of conversation. A lawyer friend claims he knows whether another lawyer practices in his specialty by the acronyms they use. And, right or wrong, that’s the way it is in life, people who don’t know you will judge your involvement or you knowledge by the words you use.

Hope that helps.

Stay safe and sane.

~Nicky

If you have any questions you’d like answered, email me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com

Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex. http://actoronto.org/home.nsf/pages/bdsm/$file/BDSM%20Safer%20Kinky%20Sex.pdf

Nicky Says: Let’s Talk Comfort Zones

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Dec 282009

Dear Nicky

Most of the Doms I’ve known since I was first seriously introduced to BDSM seem to have at least one thing in common… taking a sub out of their comfort zone, in one form or another. Here’s my thing… I don’t like being naked. I just don’t. Part is because of body issues, part because I have a bit of a clothing fetish (I like the clothes on myself as well as my partner). Just about everything I’ve heard/read/seen says that many Doms like having their subs naked because it often puts the sub in a place where they’re more exposed or feel like the Dom, who may be dressed, has all the power. But is it necessary? Is nudity for the sub really needed?

~Onyx

First short answer: No. Naked is a bonus not a necessity.

Second short answer: Don’t believe everything you read.

Let’s talk the fetish part first. The cool thing about kink is it encompasses a wide range of behaviors and fetishes. Clothing fetishes are not all that uncommon, whether they require certain types of clothing, colors, materials or just being clothed in general. Most people with the kink focus in on boots, corseted guys (or girls, depending on your orientation/preference) or red fuck-me pumps…but I assume there are those who just need to be fucked when they’re dressed. A slightly more unusual, but not a harmful variant. So if that’s what you need to get off…that’s what you need. It certainly doesn’t hurt anyone else, so what’s the harm?

Now, the naked issues in terms of a Dom/sub relationship. Naked is vulnerable at it’s most basic level. However, I think it’s perfectly valid to tell a Dom you don’t want to be naked. Especially in the beginning. If you’ve had experiences in the past where a Dom insisted and you were disturbed by it, you might want to look at how you’re phrasing your limits and boundaries.

Every guy gets if you say, “I don’t want your hands around my throat.” That clicks as a “Hard Limit.”

If you say, “I’m not really comfortable being naked,” oftentimes a statement like that will be considered a boundary…and possibly a flexible one. That may be because the Dom assumes it’s a place to push your comfort zone, or they don’t understand that it also works into your fetish. When playing you might need to actually say, “No full nudity is a hard limit.” Then be prepared to negotiate how much skin you’re willing to expose.

Now if you were pretty direct about it and your expectations were not met – well then, you had the unfortunate experience of being with a jerk. There’s a ton of Jackholes out there who call themselves Dominants. If you’re with a Dom who says, “It’s my way or the highway,” then seriously: hit the road, Jack. You don’t want someone like that putting you in a position of submission. They’re not worthy of your trust. They value their dick-trick and not your safety.

The other name for that kind of guy is, “abusive jerk-wad.”

Now at this point I’m going to remind you, that this is my opinion. As always I show my answers to several other people in the scene. They play at various levels, and identify as total tops or total bottoms, some are involved in large fluid scenes others are in more insular regional ones. The more dominant didn’t have a problem with my position. The full submissives… wow. One almost thought it was heresy to ever question what SIR wanted. You have to trust that SIR knows what’s right. Another was a little more moderate. Basically saying if you don’t trust a top enough to be naked with them, why are you scening with them?

I think that is the basic issue: It is all about trust.

In your case, if you don’t trust your Dom, you don’t want to be naked with them. As a Dom, pushing subs’ boundaries is not about making them anxious, frightened or upset…maybe a little uncomfortable. While a fully naked sub is more “vulnerable,” if the sub doesn’t WANT to be there, they’re far less receptive to being dominated. And while most Doms get that subs often don’t make the best choices in the heat of the moment, they don’t want to emotionally hurt them. The whole POINT of BDSM is that both the Dom and the sub get at least their mental rocks off (and often their physical ones too). It’s supposed work so that everyone enjoys themselves in that special way they need. And you can’t do that if you don’t trust each other.

BDSM is about negotiation. It is about trust. It is about the exchange of power between unequal equals. What that means is that you, the sub, are a human being with rights and dignities. You always have the right to say, “no.” Even a committed 24/7 slave has the right to say, “enough.”

Let’s say it in a big motivational speaker voice: Submissive is not a synonym for Doormat! Which means when I sub, I have to stand up for myself. Is this disrespectful to the Dom, especially in the beginning of a relationship…well, if you’re with a Dom who thinks that, do not walk – run towards the nearest exit. And that doesn’t mean challenging just to be difficult. We’re talking about being able to say: I can’t take this level of pain or play. Not everybody has to be a power bottom. We’re not all at that level and we shouldn’t gage our involvement by someone else’s standards. I can’t stand much pain, I don’t have a problem admitting that.

Can clothing be worked into a scene? Hell yeah. Fuck, most public exhibitions require that people keep their clothes on (outside of places like Folsom or private clubs). I’ve Dommed Brandon where he was pretty much in full uniform. Tied up, chest exposed, dangly bits out for me to play with, but definitely clothed. What’s the point of playing with a guy in police blues if he’s not wearing them? I’ve Dommed dressed, undressed, half dressed or wearing nothing but my combat boots. Sometimes my subs matched my state of attire, sometimes they wore more or less clothes than me.

If some guy wants me to blister his butt then yes, the pants got to come down. You want a flogging, I need to see the bare back. That, however, doesn’t mean the clothes have to be fully off.

Now, also, if you find someone you trust…you can renegotiate as your relationship goes on. That is another wonderful thing about BDSM is the relationship is dynamic. As the Dom proves he’s worthy of your trust, you will trust him more. Something you’d say no way to when you first met, will become things you’re willing to do…because you trust them. And I think that was probably one of the problems you had. These Doms you were with probably had done nothing that would lead you to trust them.

The big thing is BDSM is in the head, not the hands. Clothes are not power. They are merely symbols of it. Attitude and deference equate to power. If you can’t come up with creative ways to dominate someone who is fully dressed…well, I don’t know how you cure someone of not having a decent imagination.

Stay safe and sane…

~Nicky

If you have any questions you’d like answered, email me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com

Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex. http://actoronto.org/home.nsf/pages/bdsm/$file/BDSM%20Safer%20Kinky%20Sex.pdf

Nicky Says: Dom Experience

BDSM, Nicky Says 2 Responses »

Nov 302009

Nicky,

What does it feel like to Dom someone?

~Roseread

Ah, the headspace of the Dom. It really is hard to explain to people, isn’t it?

Most people “get” letting go. Giving into the parental figure, letting him make the decision. You know that he’ll protect you so you’re absolutely comfortable – even if you play at resistance – with their choices. You are free to experience, ride the wave of feelings, because you can’t do anything more. And, at the core, you understand it’s all about you. You get to be selfish and just take. You are bound, gagged and restrained, you have nothing to give back except submission.

And that submission, for a Dom, is enough to be worth all the hassle, time, hyper-vigilance and responsibility that goes into a scene.

I’ll give you a couple of examples that most people can connect with. Have you ever studied all week for a High School test, took the test on Friday and went home knowing you completely fucked it up? Then you come in Monday and the teacher throws down your paper and you got an A. You slam your hands down on the desk and yell, “booya!” Or your supervisor gives you a project where you have to bring it in under cost, under staffed and in half the time you really need. You get it to him, he’s droning on about his take on it, and his boss sticks her head through the door and says, “Hey, I saw your projections on project XYZ…We need more innovative thinkers like you in our department.” You’re watching your supervisor squirm and thinking in two months I’ll have your job. Booya!

There is that same moment in every good scene. You smack a guy’s ass, maybe three or four times and he moans and groans and plays it. The fifth blow, you go a little higher, twist your wrist and land that flogger just so. The mumbled fucking curse-prayer spews out through the gag as his whole body goes into rigor. You see the rapture of your submissive partner when they hit that moment of complete release and every care has vanished for them and you, the Dom, are thinking, “hell yeah, I did that for you.”

Booya!

You suck a hiss in through your teeth. Your shoulders go back, your head comes up and you get this surge of adrenaline crawling down your back. Every thing is tight. It hits you right in the nuts. It is a complete visceral reaction to the misbalance of power. There is something subhuman and primal about it. I call it the Dom Charge.

You taste the adrenaline in your mouth. Your brain almost bursts with the “Yeah!” And you are immediately addicted to it. It is the most powerful drug in the world. Doms seek the inevitability of the submissive’s reaction to dominance. You look for it in people. The drop of eye-contact, the hesitation in how they talk to you – not uncertainty, subs are rarely uncertain people, but a deference in their tone and body language. Each time you find it, your senses are honed for its signature in others.

But, like most drugs, if you’re not susceptible to that addiction it will do nothing for you. You must have a supply of your drug. Doms and masters are triggered by submission just as submissives are triggered by dominance. The erotic experience of pain by a masochist keys a physiological flash of experience by proxy in the Sadist. It is as if every nerve in your body is screaming, “I MADE THIS HAPPEN!”

And then, imagine the best cartoon villain you can, laughing in that bwhahahahahah voice. That’s you sucking down that charge. And, at that precise moment imagine that poster from the 80’s – the one with like three fucking star systems pictured – blooms in front of your eyes with the little arrow pointing to an insignificant point of light and the caption, you are here.

In that moment of overwhelming power, you are absolutely humbled and awed by the gift your submissive has given you. You will never, ever be able to repay the trust and confidence he’s placed in you. You have received the purest gift there is, one given out of pure desire and honesty and willingness. There is nothing you can give back that is worth that. Yet, you will try. You, who won’t let someone else hurt you, will let someone else crush you…any Dom worth his salt is crushed if his partner isn’t in that half-hard aroused state through most of a scene.

This imbalance of power is not, however, a misuse of power. Your submissive put you in the driver’s seat, handed you the keys and said, “drive where you want to go…I’m here to enjoy the ride.” But, it’s beyond that even. We have trust – negotiated, explored, articulated – absolute trust that most relationships never achieve. I won’t harm you. You will give yourself absolutely to me. And you immobilize him or you hit him and you touch places within your psyche and his psyche that are not otherwise reachable.

Play safe and sane,

~Nicky

If you have any questions you’d like answered, email me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com

Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex.

Nicky Says: Justifying Kinks and Switches

BDSM, Nicky Says No Responses »

Nov 022009

Nicky,

Someone vanilla has discovered your most secret kink. How do you expect they’ll react? How do you try to justify your needs to them? Do you even bother? And, while we’re at it, what’s the kink?

Obi

Yeah, okay, watersports and that’s as much as you need to know.

As to the rest of your question…

Most guys, at least, the gay guys I know who have some experience with BDSM, I expect them to be okay with it. It’s humiliation play (that’s the category I label it in at least…some people don’t consider it that) and it’s used a lot in the community. I get some guy who’s never done more that blow jobs in the back room…eh, it’s hard to say. With the advent of the net, Google, X-Tube/PornTube (both free) and gazillions of pay-for-porn sites, it’s amazing what guys you thought were pretty vanilla have been exposed to. I assume it’s that way for women, but I don’t have a whole lot of experience there.

Now my great-aunt Mary? She’d probably stroke out. I mean, it’s hard enough for me to even imagine her ever having had sex, much less her dealing with me having sex the way I like too.

Honestly, for people who are okay with kink, you won’t have to justify things. If people are not into kink…all the explanation in the world won’t do you any fucking good. They just think you’re sick. And will tell you that over and over again. Of course they’re the ones likely ordering all the gay, X-tream S&M porn on hotel Pay-Per-View during religious conventions.

As Shakespeare once wrote, “methinks the dude doth protest too much.”

Those who are truly coming from a place where they’re exploring their own boundaries and kinks—they’re usually willing to listen. And you just come at it from the perspective of consent. That’s one of the coolest things about BDSM…it’s all about consent. I won’t do anything that doesn’t make my partner feel good. My partner understands I won’t do anything that would hurt him. Of course, the definition of what is pleasure and what is pain can be a little dicey.

If you’re a full blown lifestyle, service-submissive masochist, it’s hard for people outside the culture to grasp that level of involvement. Still, you can have a decent discussion about pain play and bondage and service by talking about role-playing all those crappy Valentine games. Spanking games, which vanilla people do, are a form of pain play. If you’ve ever tied your partner’s hands to the bed with neckties or bandanas, well that’s bondage, right? Light bondage, but it’s a form of restraint. And everyone has seen the “Red Hot Love Coupons” the stores sell. If the partner you gave a set to hands one over that says “Cook me dinner in the nude,” and you do it, that service submission.

All of those are limited in scope. The game might not lead to more, but you can usually work into…well, what if it really turned you on? You’d want to do it again right? Pretty much everyone gets that concept. And that’s a good dialog.

Stay safe and sane

Nicky

Nicky,

You like being a switch. Did some of your early sexual experiences have that dynamic? You don’t seem to be particularly interested in causing Brandon physical pain. Would you rather just stick with bondage with Brandon?

Neyronrose

As one blog proclaims, the Switch is the “spork of the bondage community.” Really freaking useful and nobody really believes we’re around ‘cause true switches are hard to find. But we are in the scene. It’s a viable choice.

I tend, in general, to be a dominant personality. I get off on controlling guys and situations… type-A much? However, when I meet someone who is more dominant than I am, I’ll let them take the lead. Plus, there are times when I just want to let go. I don’t want to be in control. Always being in control is not, at least to me, good for my mental health. See the type-A personality.

Although I’d probably align myself with the “new leather” generation, I get the point of the “old guard” philosophy that you can’t TOP unless you’ve bottomed. It does give you perspective on your partner’s pleasure. Not everyone can learn that way. There are natural tops who would never cum (or even get hard) in sub play. There are guys who are so submissive that if you put a whip in their hand they would ask for permission to hit you.

Neither of them will ever understand me.

The propensity to Switch comes in real handy when you’re into a scene with more than two people. If you’re a DOM and you’ve got 2 subs to deal with it can be really mentally and physically exhausting. If one of the players is a Switch then the scene becomes much easier. I used to get a lot of action that way. Guys knew I could come into a scene and they could order me to do things and assist in their play. So, yeah, I like the Switch dynamic.

Formative period? I discovered early on that I liked tying things up. It was like a puzzle. As a kid I also realized that if I let people tie me up, I could wow them with my ability to work myself free. I fully accept that I am a bit of a drama queen. I like attention. My mom kept buying me magic kits to channel this activity into the more mainstream. All the card tricks and spongy balls never did it. Houdini was my idol. I had posters of all the great escape artists all over my room. My dad let me go with him in his Big Rig on one of his runs to Los Angeles and took me to the Magic Castle on the one day they open it up to kids. I was like, “The hell with the bunnies, who’s going to wear a straight-jacket and hang upside down in a tank of sharks?”

And then, a few years later, I was practicing a tie-up-get-loose illusion with the kid down the street…fuck, we’re both like first year Jr. High and I got massively turned on. I mean, I’d had woodies before playing doctor with the other boys (I never did play that with the girls – some of us just know early), but this was the first time an external object did it. Since, in those years, I was the one getting tied up, I learned to like being restrained. And then about High School, we’d party and some of the jocks would want me to tie up their girlfriends for a gag. I never did it on anyone who didn’t say, “okay,” but I found out that I liked tying people up. And those were the first hard-ons I ever had around girls.

Now, I was a teen, and I was a jerk…’cause anyone under 20 is just a jerk sometimes. I’d make these girls beg. “Please untie me, Nick.” And I’d be imagining it was their jock boyfriends. Probably that’s the reason I survived High School without getting beat up too much. I must have been straight because I made girls beg no matter how fruity I acted otherwise. I had a boyfriend, but he lived across town so nobody in either of our schools would see us together. We did a lot of phone and chat-room sex. I got off telling him what to do…like stick a vibrator up his ass. Let’s not even consider whose vibrator it probably was and the hygienic issue. The whole, “Nick, should I fuck myself harder,” and “yes, bitch,’ exchange was super hot. I liked ordering him around.

As far as pain play…I have a very low pain tolerance. Smacking my ass, that’s kinda hot. Put a set of nipple clamps on me, just the thought hurts and not in a get-me-hard way. Twist my nuts and I’ll punch you in the face. Since I don’t like receiving pain, it is a little bit of a barrier to me giving it as well. I worry that I might go too hard. The more I’m with someone the less it’s an issue as I can really begin to read his signals. All the subtle things that clue you in before he even have to say the safe word.

But, BDSM is all about the submissive partner. It really is. I am honored when za guy puts the control in my hands. So even if it’s not something I completely enjoy for my own benefit, the fact that my partner gets turned on, turns me on. I couldn’t ever walk cold into a hard core S&M scene, but with Brandon, as we get to know each other and trust each other I’m more able to do pain play for him. Seeing him turned on by it turns me on. That I am able to give him that is the most incredible feeling I’ve ever experienced. I am absolutely humbled by his trust and that pushes me to give him more.

The bondage gets me off. In a simple scene that’s enough. But knowing that I can give him that much more if I put a little pain into the mix…it rocks. I do it because he loves it. And, as a DOM in our partnership, I will give him anything he desires.

I know it doesn’t make logical sense but that is the duality of BDSM.

Stay safe and sane,

Nicky

Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex.

And, as allways, if you have questions write me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com.

Nicky Says: Let's talk about Doms and Boundaries

BDSM, Nicky Says No Responses »

Oct 052009

Nicky,

What does it mean to you to be a Dom?

Zoe

Well, let’s start with the fact that every prick with a dick is not a Dom.

I’ve been on both sides of the equation and I guess it gives me a sense of balance. I mean, that was one of the theories behind the “Old Guard” leather approach of you can only top once you’ve been a bottom for a while. It’s supposed to give you insight into both worlds. Being a switch does that for me.

You have to have attitude and confidence to be a Dom. But just because you have attitude and confidence doesn’t make you a Dom. Someone who possesses only the traits of attitude and confidence is likely only looking out for themselves. That is not what being a Dom is about. Instead a Dom must constantly be concerned about his partner and what’s happening physically/mentally to them. Some people also claim that Doms never make mistakes (or when they do they have enough confidence to make it seem intentional) and I don’t buy into that. A person who makes mistakes and never admits to them comes off to me as pretty weak and not self aware.

A Dom must constantly prove that they are worthy of the trust their sub places in them. That means I must constantly prove that I understand and respect my sub, Brandon. It means I must constantly prove I accept the responsibility for Brandon’s safety and pleasure. The more I prove that I am aware of my responsibility for him, the more control over our scenes he’s willing to cede over to me. He understands that if I gag him, blind fold him and tie him up that I won’t leave him alone or let him get hurt. It’s because I’ve already proven to him in lighter scenes that he can trust me.

Being a Dom is, at its core, about TRUST. It is about RESPONSIBILITY. It is about exchanging power by letting the sub say when things stop or whether they’ll even happen, in order to be rewarded by them putting their pleasure, and yours, in your hands. If all you want to do is order someone around – go be a drill sergeant (and actually, friends I know in the military would argue that if you don’t understand trust and responsibility for your troops you’d suck as a drill sergeant as well). A Dom should have enough self confidence to say, ‘I’m sorry, I screwed up, and I hurt you.” Admitting that you understand when you’ve messed up will allow your sub to trust you even more. It means you recognize when things get out of hand.

Being a Dom is also about follow-through. It’s like training anyone for anything, if punishment for an infraction is doled out randomly or inconsistently, it doesn’t work. Think about training a dog. If the dog pisses on the floor you don’t kick the shit out of them. All that teaches is fear. And if one day you just cuss and clean it up and the next day you shove their nose in it and the third day you scream and throw the paper at them…you have a confused dog. Same with a sub. If the game is Master/slave and I set a rule that when I, the Dom, come in the door I expect you, my sub, to greet me by kneeling with your hands behind your back and your eyes down. If I come in the door and you’re not in position…a reasonable reprimand should follow. If I go way overboard I lose respect and trust. If I ignore the infraction, then my sub knows they can “get one over” on me and I lose trust and respect. No matter what scene you’re into, there should always be boundaries and rules respected and followed through consistently.

Being a Dom is about giving consistent rewards and respect. If all you ever do is take, emotionally and physically, your sub has every right to walk away and call you an asshole. The deeper you go into a 24/7 relationship the greater the importance of acknowledging when your sub has done well at something or has pleased you becomes. The sub expects his Dom to take care of him, give him emotionally and physically what he needs. In turn the Dom expects that he will get respect, the sub will do as he is told, and emotionally the Dom and sub will have their needs fulfilled. But in order to get respect you have to give respect at an appropriate level. If you only punish and never reward, well that’s abuse.

I hope that answers your question Zoe.

Stay safe and sane.

Nicky

Nicky,

What are your limits and boundaries?

JackBNimble

Big one – No glove, no love. I’m not out there to chase bugs. Once I get into a committed relationship, when I have and receive trust, that rule can be renegotiated.

I’m not big into pain: giving or receiving. It’s both a Limit and a Boundary. Light pain play is fine, but do not snap thirty clothespins on my balls – I can’t tolerate that. It’s a limit. I also don’t get off in the head space of inflicting pain. I mean, Brandon likes to get his butt smacked sometimes, and because it’s not heavy S&M that’s within my Boundaries. But if what you like is heavy pain play, I’m probably not the person you want to scene with.

Capture play is one of my must haves. For quick and dirty fun, handcuffs or wrist binding is fine. If I’m Domming, its something I will insist on or I don’t play. Yes, I know, being tied up in intricate, sexy webs is about as fast moving as grass growing, but that’s my thing. I need it.

I could go on with my list, but we’re not going to play. Everyone needs to understand, however, that Limits and Boundaries define the CONSENSUAL part of Safe, Sane and Consensual.

Limits are physical.

Boundaries are psychological.

As someone on a discussion board put it: “Things that make me feel good = good. Things that make me feel bad = bad.” Those establish your limits and boundaries.

When you go into a BDSM scene or relationship you need to be able to define and articulate what you’re willing to do and have done to you…both mentally and physically.

You have to be willing to negotiate the mental boundaries of how you’re going to play. Are we doing humiliation – and is it verbal or physical? Some people can handle one or the other, some like both. Brandon likes to be called bitch and whore…I like to call him those things. Golden showers are okay between us, scat is not. But that might not work for you. Are you okay with the mindset of bondage? How much restraint are you willing to accept before panic sets in? I’ve scened with guys who freaked out if I used more than Velcro cuffs and others who would have let me tie crap around their throats (and generally breath play is OUT). Is what you really want puppy or pony play and is your partner able to wrap his head around leading you about on a leash and sticking a tail-plug up your ass? If you’re both into that great.

As far as limits go, how much pain can you tolerate? Do you have problems being handcuffed as opposed to tied up with rope? I, and Brandon, prefer rope. Handcuffing Brandon, however, is a turn on between us because of what he does. He’s a cop, it turns his profession around. With some people that pushes their physical limits because of allergies to say hemp. If you have a bad back or, like me, a bad shoulder that puts limits on certain physical activities I can participate in. Some people are okay with short term restraint – 20-30 minutes – others can push far longer (and let’s stay within the bounds of medical safety on that). There are those who can tolerate and want their ass to be blistered. Others don’t want marks.

You have to be willing to discuss what you’re willing to do and where you don’t want to go. Otherwise it’s like knowing how to turn on a car, put it in drive, but not know how to apply the brakes. Not every one plays at the same level. What’s a heavy kink for me may be the appetizer to the main course for someone else. And you’re boundaries and limits don’t have to be static. The more trust and background you establish with someone, the more you can renegotiate things. A long term BDSM relationship should have enough trust built into it that you can be dynamic. If things go beyond what you’re willing to tolerate, that’s when your safeword comes into play.

So Jack….how do you play?

Stay safe and sane.

Nicky

Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play.

I also suggest you read Safer Kinky Sex.

Nicky Says: Rope Baby

My Books, Nicky Says 1 Response »

Sep 072009

quest-race-likes-bondage-pic-2 Rope to me, is one of the most sensuous pleasures out there. Leather is fine and dandy, but the fact that rope can be made from all types of fibers, synthetic or man-made in different thicknesses and colors allows for this broad sense play you don’t get with other materials.

There’s a few basic tools you should have with you when you do rope play. The biggest one is not rope. It’s your mindset. When you go into tying someone up for pleasure and domination you have to understand that you are taking their personal safety into your hands. They are your responsibility. Don’t do it while you’re drunk or high. Okay, yeah, you could probably get a way with tying someone’s hands together, but anything beyond that…way too dangerous. You need to be focused and prepared. If things get intense, and they’re likely too, you’re going to experience emotions that you’re not used to. The need to control, sometimes the need to inflict pain, may become overwhelming. You need to be mentally prepared to step back out of a scene if you cannot control your own inner self.

Second is again…not rope. Safety. You have to be able to get your submissive undone in the shortest amount of time possible. If all hell breaks loose, you’re not going to have time to undo a bunch of intricate ties. I recommend, at a minimum, a damned good set of EMT Shears. They are basically a set of heavy duty scissors with blunt tips and an angled blade. The design allows you to get in and under something to cut it without risking stabbing your partner in the Bondage_Leg process. The thicker the rope you use, the more heavy duty you’ll need.

How do you know when all hell has broken loose? Safe-words and established limits. If you’re gagging your partner then you better also have some non-verbal cues for them to tell you when they’re in trouble. It’s not romantic, but neither is spending the night in the ER. This site: http://students.signalflare.ca/ctarmstrong/final/finalindex.shtml has some good information on some of the advanced preparation and thought that needs to happen BEFORE you scene.

Some don’ts. Don’t do full suspension. Seriously, until you’ve been at it a long time, suspensions are fucking dangerous. You need to be physically taught how to suspend someone with rope. It’s not something you can learn in a book.

I also don’t recommend prolong bondage. Bondage lasting more than 2 hours. There are some Shibari ties you can wear – gauntlets and corsets – but positional bondage for prolonged periods can be dangerous.

For beginners, the soft nylon ropes probably work best (not the hard poly ones you’d use for lashing your bike to a trailer). They’re not as dramatic because they don’t have same kind of swell as natural fibers do. Plus I don’t find them as sensual…I like the feel of the natural fibers. But they’re easier to store and work with. Hemp is especially susceptible rot. Be careful with nylon ropes, cheap ones can unwind – go with braided over twisted. And frankly, just buy the stuff at Lowes cheaper. Why pay $21 dollars at sex store for 10-15 feet when you can buy 50 feet for around $7? Just shop around, you don’t have to tell anyone why you need it. For most ties you’ll want something at least as thick around as rob 015 the base of your index finger, about ¼ inch.

Cotton is nice and a good compromise between the basic nylon ropes and the rougher fibers. Cotton ropes are a little harder to unknot. This variety available from JT’s Stockroom comes with a beginners book on knots and is good. The Kinklab ropes work well too (they don’t come with instructions).

The other, rougher, natural fibers include hemp, silk and bamboo. I consider silk a rougher fiber because it’s slicker than snot on a doorknob. That shit won’t just burn…it’ll cut. If you’re a real rope aficionado then you’ll want to check out Twisted Monk

Once you’ve got the rope, you need to know what to do with it. I’ve watched the Knotty Boys demonstrations. Very, very good stuff. If you can catch them live, I’d recommend it. Otherwise they have several books out that work you through step by step. Start with their most basic and work your way up. You can’t go wrong with a Knotty Boys Book.

Shibari You Can Use is also pretty good book for a beginner. Starts with the basic knots and builds upon that foundation. The Erotic Bondage Handbook has some nice ties. It’s biggest advantage is the discussions about monitoring and the basics of domination play. Midori’s book is a bit more advanced and tackles partial suspensions and asymmetrical ties.

On the web you can start with Bondage University and The Chicago Rope and Mummification Club or Rope Fashions has detailed instructions with pictures on how to do ties. You will notice that they do their cock ties with a dildo…that’s not a bad way to learn how to do penis capture. Much better to accidentally slice into the balls off your favorite latex toy than your favorite sub. Japan Rope and Japanese Rope Art put a little more of the Shibari flare into it.

That’s it my lovelies. Obviously this is a basic introduction to something I enjoy immensely – especially when I’ve got Brandon all tied up. Go out, be safe, stay sane and have fun with it.

Ciao Babes,

Nick

Nicky Says: What's Love Got to Do With It?

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Nicky Says: Let’s Talk Comfort Zones

Nicky Says: Dom Experience

Nicky Says: Justifying Kinks and Switches

Nicky Says: Let's talk about Doms and Boundaries

Nicky Says: Rope Baby

James Buchanan

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