What does it feel like to Dom someone?
Ah, the headspace of the Dom. It really is hard to explain to people, isn’t it?
Most people “get” letting go. Giving into the parental figure, letting him make the decision. You know that he’ll protect you so you’re absolutely comfortable – even if you play at resistance – with their choices. You are free to experience, ride the wave of feelings, because you can’t do anything more. And, at the core, you understand it’s all about you. You get to be selfish and just take. You are bound, gagged and restrained, you have nothing to give back except submission.
And that submission, for a Dom, is enough to be worth all the hassle, time, hyper-vigilance and responsibility that goes into a scene.
I’ll give you a couple of examples that most people can connect with. Have you ever studied all week for a High School test, took the test on Friday and went home knowing you completely fucked it up? Then you come in Monday and the teacher throws down your paper and you got an A. You slam your hands down on the desk and yell, “booya!” Or your supervisor gives you a project where you have to bring it in under cost, under staffed and in half the time you really need. You get it to him, he’s droning on about his take on it, and his boss sticks her head through the door and says, “Hey, I saw your projections on project XYZ…We need more innovative thinkers like you in our department.” You’re watching your supervisor squirm and thinking in two months I’ll have your job. Booya!
There is that same moment in every good scene. You smack a guy’s ass, maybe three or four times and he moans and groans and plays it. The fifth blow, you go a little higher, twist your wrist and land that flogger just so. The mumbled fucking curse-prayer spews out through the gag as his whole body goes into rigor. You see the rapture of your submissive partner when they hit that moment of complete release and every care has vanished for them and you, the Dom, are thinking, “hell yeah, I did that for you.”
You suck a hiss in through your teeth. Your shoulders go back, your head comes up and you get this surge of adrenaline crawling down your back. Every thing is tight. It hits you right in the nuts. It is a complete visceral reaction to the misbalance of power. There is something subhuman and primal about it. I call it the Dom Charge.
You taste the adrenaline in your mouth. Your brain almost bursts with the “Yeah!” And you are immediately addicted to it. It is the most powerful drug in the world. Doms seek the inevitability of the submissive’s reaction to dominance. You look for it in people. The drop of eye-contact, the hesitation in how they talk to you – not uncertainty, subs are rarely uncertain people, but a deference in their tone and body language. Each time you find it, your senses are honed for its signature in others.
But, like most drugs, if you’re not susceptible to that addiction it will do nothing for you. You must have a supply of your drug. Doms and masters are triggered by submission just as submissives are triggered by dominance. The erotic experience of pain by a masochist keys a physiological flash of experience by proxy in the Sadist. It is as if every nerve in your body is screaming, “I MADE THIS HAPPEN!”
And then, imagine the best cartoon villain you can, laughing in that bwhahahahahah voice. That’s you sucking down that charge. And, at that precise moment imagine that poster from the 80’s – the one with like three fucking star systems pictured – blooms in front of your eyes with the little arrow pointing to an insignificant point of light and the caption, you are here.
In that moment of overwhelming power, you are absolutely humbled and awed by the gift your submissive has given you. You will never, ever be able to repay the trust and confidence he’s placed in you. You have received the purest gift there is, one given out of pure desire and honesty and willingness. There is nothing you can give back that is worth that. Yet, you will try. You, who won’t let someone else hurt you, will let someone else crush you…any Dom worth his salt is crushed if his partner isn’t in that half-hard aroused state through most of a scene.
This imbalance of power is not, however, a misuse of power. Your submissive put you in the driver’s seat, handed you the keys and said, “drive where you want to go…I’m here to enjoy the ride.” But, it’s beyond that even. We have trust – negotiated, explored, articulated – absolute trust that most relationships never achieve. I won’t harm you. You will give yourself absolutely to me. And you immobilize him or you hit him and you touch places within your psyche and his psyche that are not otherwise reachable.
Play safe and sane,
If you have any questions you’d like answered, email me at Nicky@James-Buchanan.com
Remember folks this is my opinion. Others may have differing views on the subject. I recommend doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of people before you start to play. I also recommend you read Safer Kinky Sex.